Some days I wonder if I'm on the right track. I think things like "Lord, did I hear you right?" or "Was that really you or my own wishful thinking?" Do you ever feel that way?
Lately, all I can think is that I need to draw closer to God. I need a fresh touch from Him. I wish I could just curl up in has lap and feel his presence all around me. I need to hear God clearly!!! I need that peace only He can provide.
I have never WANTED God so bad in my life. I KNOW He loves me. I KNOW He is sovereign and in control. I KNOW that all things work together for the good of those of us that love the Lord but lately I feel as though I'm treading water...barely.
What I need is a breakthrough. I keep thinking about when the disciples tried casting out a demon and when they couldn't, they asked Jesus why and he told them that kind of demon could only be driven out by prayer and fasting.
So that's where I am. I feel like there's forces of darkness trying to completely rob me of the joy the Lord has set aside for me and I WILL NOT roll over for them anymore. Well that's what I tell myself anyway. Lately, I find myself breaking down completely at least once a day.
This is the cycle:
-Pray and read the bible
-Believe what I am reading
-Then feel overtaken by crippling doubt that it's actually for me though
-Then feel like the worst child in the world for having doubted my Father's love and willingness to bless me according to his riches in glory
-Confess, repent, pray some more
-Think about doubt in the book of James
-Think it's no wonder I'm not getting anywhere because of doubt
-Determine I am never going to doubt God again
-Get so frustrated all I can do is feel spiritually and mentally crippled so I sit and cry because I feel like I'm of no good use for the kingdom of God.
-Feel like a hypocrite
-Wash, rinse, repeat.
The thing is I know why this is happening. I know it's the forces of darkness, the enemy and his minions trying to cripple me and make me feel like I'm nothing. A nobody. That no one cares about me or what I have to say. That I am completely and totally insignificant.
Even though I know these are lies straight from the pits of hell, they seem so REAL!!!
I am bound and determined to come through this as the victor I am in Christ Jesus though.
I know I keep posting about this but it really does help me keep things in perspective and document this particular leg of my journey and have it to look back on.
It is my honest and most sincere hope that someone, somewhere, someday will stumble across this and see that the Lord carried me through. That He not only gave me this vision but also blessed it and received glory by it.
It is also my honest and sincere hope that while I may be at one of the lowest points in my life, God is doing the greatest work in me he's ever done. All I want is to be enveloped by his love and SEE HIS GLORY!!! And never, ever, ever be a hindrance to His kingdom.
I want to get to the point where I am an example of an active, working faith and that God is completely and totally glorified in my life!!!
I want to be able to radiate truth when I speak. I want to be used by God to uplift people, be an example of His love, encourage people. My heart's desire is to be an encouragement and to be the kind of humble that allows people to feel the kind of love I have for them.
I have failed at this lately and to anyone I have hurt, I apologize.
But I do love you and God does love you. Please don't ever forget that.